For the past four years, I have been on an emotional roller coaster, thinking that things would work out with an emotionally unavailable person.

Over the years, I have watched my friends go through relationships full of drama and horrible break-ups. I have consoled them and given the best advice I could offer. I also promised myself this wouldn’t be me…until it was. The truth is it’s hard to follow your own advice. Emotions get in the way and your heart may lead you down a dark, deep hole. 

For me, I always have held out hope that, like all my favorite romantic comedies, things would suddenly take a turn and work out.

He would come to the realization that his constant confusion was ridiculous, his “not having feelings” was just a nervous excuse, and that he’s been in love with me the entire time. Want to know the funny reality of my life? Recently, we got into a serious conversation, of which I told him I did not know how he felt, but that I did not want him to just say something because he thought it was what I wanted to hear. 

His response: 

“I love you,” my heart jumps into my stomach, suddenly followed by “just kidding.” 

“Just kidding!” Imagine hearing that from someone you cared about and fought for, for so long. My eyes rolled and I continued on with the conversation, hiding my disappointment and sadness. 

In that moment, I knew I had to walk away.

And that was the hardest decision I’ve had to make in my life (and trust me, I’ve been faced with some tough ones). But sometimes, you have to go with your head and not your heart. You have to do what’s good for yourself and your happiness, even though it may not seem like it at the time.

I wish I could say walking away is easy, but it’s the most difficult thing I have yet to face.

It would be nice to meet someone new to make it all simpler, but who knows what will happen. Maybe I’ll meet someone different tomorrow or next week that will be the love of my life. The reality is, I am young and I have time. I do not and should not have to worry about finding my soul mate, because I am still trying to find myself and discover who I am as a person. And I am still trying to love myself; which, in my opinion, is the most important relationship I should be chasing in the first place.