Anonymous Turmoiler: It's Not Just Society. It's My Family Too.

Society puts a lot of pressure on women to be skinny.  To be perfect.  But, it feels even worse when it’s your family who makes you feel this way. 

I have always struggled with body image.  I have never been the “thin girl.”  I could never eat whatever I wanted and still be a size two.  Even as a child, I was a dancer, but, I was still average weight and height.  I wasn't a skinny prima ballerina.  

As I got older, I noticed more and more when I would gain weight. My mother would make a comment, “Your thighs are looking a little thick lately,” or, “What’s that stomach I see there?” And, when I would lose the weight, my sister would compare herself to me, “You weigh 130 pounds?  Oh my god, that’s how much I weigh!  I have to lose weight!”  Gee thanks that makes me feel really great…  

First of all, my sister is taller than me; therefore, even if we were the same weight at the time, technically I still looked heavier because I am shorter. So it really hurt my feelings that she would basically compare us to be sure that she wasn’t getting heavier.  They made me feel bad and think I looked unappealing if I gained weight.  They never saw this as a bad or hurtful thing. But, it hurt my feelings every time, and it still does from time to time.  

In high school, I got really depressed about events that were occurring in my life.  

So depressed that I stopped eating breakfast and lunch. It was easy to skip breakfast and say I would grab something at school, and they didn't know if I ate lunch or not because I was “eating” at school.  And at dinner, even though I didn’t want to eat, I picked at my plate and said I was full from the food I ate at lunch. I was kind of anorexic if you have to label it. I think I got down to about 110 pounds my freshman year of high school. That might not sound thin thin, but for my size and body type, it was.  

My family definitely took notice and would tell me how good I looked.  

I should have felt flattered, but I didn’t. It only upset me more to know that they must have thought I didn't look good when I was a few pounds heavier. If it is about health, I understand a parent or family member wanting to interfere with a child’s weight. But, if it’s just that your daughter is slightly chunky or average weight, why can’t you tell her she’s perfect?  Why is perfect only seen as thin?  

I tried dating this guy who made me feel like shit.  

He also made me feel really uncomfortable by things he would say to me.  Long story short, I ended up not feeling hungry quite often from the anxiety and when I did eat I would often throw up. It was not by choice, believe me I HATE throwing up. And I am not trying to be hurtful to those who may have battled bulimia, we all go through different things. But, you can imagine how much weight I lost simply by talking to him from discomfort I felt because of him.

It was and still is all about CONTROL.  ANXIETY and CONTROL. And I can’t let it ruin my life anymore.  

I have to be happy with my weight and my appearance and my health. That is most important. Not what the magazines, family, friends, or anyone or anything else tells you you should be or look like.  

A couple months ago, I made a lifestyle change.  And I hope it’s a forever change.