Anonymous Turmoiler: What Am I Amounting To?
Picture it: 22 years old, 7 months post grad (undergrad), married to the man of your dreams, living in your dream house (rent free) and exploring a completely new and exciting environment.
What more could a girl want? Welp, let's get into it.
In high school, I was a less-than mediocre student.
I rarely turned in homework, was often forced to spend lunch with varying teachers for extra help in fear of facing my alternative...failing. As far as I could see it, up until the day of my college orientation, that's all I had ever done. Fail. In fact, my college orientation wasn't a "true" orientation at all! It wasn't one where you make friends, learn about all the programs on campus, meet your roommate and hug your parents goodbye. I would never get that experience due to my lack of motivation in high school. While all of my friends were going away to school, I had to stay home because I was denied from nearly every school I had applied to. Community College it is!
The fall after my high school graduation is when my life took a dramatic turn
...for the best! I met the man who would four years later become my husband and my grades and determination for success this time around had absolutely sky rocketed. All four years of college I succeeded in making the Dean's List, obtained two degrees, and graduated from two schools with a 3.9 GPA. Quite a success story, huh?
The plot thickens.
Three months after graduation I got married and two months after I got married, we moved across the country.
Law school has always been a major dream of mine, but so has being a wife and mother. I find myself trying to balanceon this tightrope of successful business-woman, attorney, future supreme court justice, FBI Agent or being a stay-at-home wife and mother. To my husband and new friends, both titles are equally rewarding and command respect. To my parents, the only thing that truly matters is maximizing your net worth and income.
My mother is a self-made woman and has grown her own business to the point where she has made out extremely well for herself and my dad over the years. However, she was never afforded the luxury that I have to choose to be a stay-at-home wife and still live very comfortably. People have told me that I can have the best of both worlds. I can be a mother and a successful business-woman all in one. After all, people have been doing that for years.
Here is the true heart of my dilemma: my husband is in the military and has a very demanding job.
I want to be home to ensure that everything runs smoothly and raise our kids so that he can stay focused. If I stay home, our house will work more efficiently through life as a family.
"Well, what about child care/day care so you can have kids and still have your dream job?" While I have no issue with day care, it is not something I want for my children. I want to raise my children and be with them every single day. I want to help mold them into successful adults.
Further, being a military wife makes it difficult to further your education.
You can be told to pick up and move within days notice and you never are guaranteed to be in any given place for any given amount of time. What is the point of even investing in law school if I run the chance of being unable to finish my degree or unwilling to use my degree upon completion because I want to raise my kids?
What this really all boils down to for me is feeling the loss of being recognized for academic achievements throughout college.I want people to know that I am smart and capable and determined but how can I do that if I humble myself and stay home to care for my family?
I have this irrational fear of attending my high school reunion and having nothing to show for myself over the past 10, 20, 30 years.
How can I prove to people that I have really amounted to anything in my life when I don't have a grade to show for it anymore? My husband is a graduate from the top military school in the world, is now an officer in the military, was a Division 1 athlete and is an aspiring astronaut. In 20 years, I'm just his little old wife but he doesn't see it that way.He feels that any role I take on would be just as important and respected.
Still, I just can't help but feel as though I need to prove myself to the world.
On the flip side, I want to raise a big, beautiful family and realize that doing so has always been my real dream. Why do I need to go to law school and drop $100,000 just to show a bunch of people I don't honestly care about that I can do it? I know I can find that same success in building a family. I just need to get over this emotional hurdle.
